Life Isn't All (Cheap) Beer, Skittles and Laughter

I was reading a heartwarming article today on Sportsline.com about a new program instituted by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Apparently, a woman who had experienced some real tragedy in her life thanked the President of the Diamondbacks profusely for a $150 food voucher that the club had sent to season ticket holders. After that meeting, it occurred to him that the club could start a regular program to help people in extraordinary stories by offering free season tickets to those to whom life had thrown a curve, and they did so.

Well, you might think that I would be warming up to expound on the virtues of this magnanimous gesture -- a example of generosity in the cesspool of greed that is professional sports ... but no, that's not where I'm going. At the bottom of the page, a reader ("Bake1"), commenting on this extraordinarily uplifting story, had this to add: "This is a good story but I wish they would lower the price of beer at Chase Stadium. I bought 3 beers last year and with tax and tip, it was almost $40." The story detailed heart-wrenching stories of personal tragedy and this was Bake1's brilliant contribution. Makes one proud to be an American.

Perhaps the world would be a better place with more cheap beer. Many years ago, I spent a very interesting night in Yankee Stadium. We had pretty good seats down the left field line, and we were ready to settle in for a night enjoying America's pastime. It was not long before we realized that we had come to the stadium on Fireman night. New York's bravest were in fine form that night, and for the first time I realized why the concession stands had to stop selling beer after the 7th inning. The irony of the firefighter's flammable breath was not lost on me. I can only imagine what that night would have been like with less expensive beer. With cheaper beer perhaps we could enjoy more scenes at the stadiums such as the hilarity of spectators running onto the field, the kid who did a swan dive out of the upper deck at Yankee Stadium, or maybe we'd have just have more stadiums equipped with jails for unruly fans. I can only imagine cheap beer would only improve the manners and ingenuity of the men at Giants Stadium in New Jersey who demanded women flash them at the infamous gate D. The first time I was forced to drink beer out of a plastic bottle, I toasted all the chowderhead sports fans who had ever thrown a glass bottle (the way God intended you to drink beer) onto the field during a sporting event.

I encourage all sports fans who demand cheap beer to snuggle up in front of their TV with an eighteen pack of their favorite domestic brew, stow the car keys and enjoy the game in the security of their lazyboy. But if Bake1 really wants to enjoy some cheap beer, I highly recommend the $1 beer night (which I attended last summer) at Las Vegas's Cashman Field, the home of the LA Dodgers' AAA affiliate, where the beertender warned me emphatically: "No beer sold after the 7th inning, so PLAN ACCORDINGLY!"