I Think I Was Too Old for This 10 Years Ago

For my first year in New York, I went to the gym at the university fairly regularly, like 4-5 days a week. Everything was fine and dandy until I started to feel overwhelmed by students. I work around them all day long and then at night I was surrounded by them in the gym. My breaking point came when I was sitting on a bench working out with dumbbells when a student cornered me about an issue he was having. At that point, I decided my days at the university gym were numbered.

When I moved into my apartment in midtown, I discovered a gym right across the street -- I mean RIGHT across the street -- from my home and much to my surprise the monthly fee was the same as I was paying at school. Surrounded by regular people and so close to home, this seemed like a much better fit. The guy signing me up did the hard sell on some personal training sessions, and since I'd been thinking that was something I'd be interested in anyway, I signed up for 4 or 5 sessions.

I had to wait a few weeks to get started until the students were all settled in at school and I could actually go to the gym. I played phone tag with a guy trainer for a few weeks, and then finally decided (with a little trepidation) that I had to get started so I walked up to the desk and just told them I could start. "I can take him!" said a perky young woman in her 20s. Oh dear, I thought to myself.

The first (7am) session last week had me doing pushups and squat-thrusts like I hadn't done in years. She tried to get me to do some dumbbell lunge exercise that involved about 4 different movements and whatever little coordination I normally have left me completely. Before I left, Ms. Perky said, "when do you want to meet next?" I suggested one week from then -- Friday. She told me we'd be meeting Tuesday and Thursday. So much for easing into this. I left the gym sore and climbed slowly back up to the fourth floor and my apartment.

This morning was my second session. Again she had me doing jumping jacks, lunges with a medicine ball, and then there was the let's-show-the-gym-how-uncoordinated-Paul-is exercise. It involved me standing on an inflatable ball that sat flat on the floor while holding a barbell bar in my hand and trying to pull it into my chest. The only thing that would have made it harder was if she had asked me to spin a plate on stick while I did this. After some crazy chest press things (imagine getting in a pushup position while gripping a dumbbell on the floor and then rolling the dumbbell away from you laterally while you do a pushup) we started to do some ab work. I began to get so worn out that my brain and my body were just no longer on speaking terms. I explained to the trainer that as much as I'd like to do 5 more crunches my torso had an entirely different opinion on the matter. And I began to feel a little nauseated. Then I began to feel flat out sick and light-headed. She assured me this was normal. After she was finished helping me get stretched out, she look at me one last time and said "are you OK"? I said I was even though that was definitely an open question.

And what is it that a nausea victim wants to face on the 50 yard walk back to his house after a strenuous workout? A giant black tanker truck with "R&R Rendering" on the side of it was idling next to the burger restaurant on the plaza. The company apparently collects grease, bones and fat from restaurants in their lovely little truck. The fragrance coming from the truck cleaning out the grease traps was almost enough to put me over the top. As of now there has been no vomiting on my part, but I can't make any promises.

Just One Big All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

During a lull in our conversation my graduate school advisor would often ask, "so how's the dog?" Yes, THE DOG. My dog has been a big part of my life for the last 10 years and now we've hit yet another adjustment for him. Not only have I moved him from the comforts of suburbia to Manhattan, but he also has the pleasures of a 4th floor walkup to face every day. He seems to be coping -- maybe too well.

You see this is a dog who after six months of living with my parents could stand to miss a meal if you know what I mean. Anyway he has discovered that 9th avenue across the street from McDonalds, the area behind the hotdog cart on 50th street, 8th avenue near the subway all are great spots for finding food on the sidewalk -- like it's been laid out for him by a bunch of unrelated caterers. Two days ago I pulled a chicken bone out of his mouth and got my finger chomped on. What was on the menu tonight for my eskimo dog during our walk?

• One dropped soft serve cone (probably from the Mister Softee truck at 51st and 8th.
• Big thick krinkle cut fries (very unlike McDonald's)
• McDonald's French fries (exactly like McDonald's)
• One smushed piece of bread (I think)
• And the topper --some kind of regurgitated stuff at the base of a tree that just had to be vomit

This is one of those moments when my dog looks at me as if I am just plain stupid. I try to explain to him that eating garbage off the street is a bad idea. And he looks at me as if to say, "What are you an idiot? Free food! It's right here like 6 inches from my nose. Eating garbage is what dogs do. That's how we became domesticated!" I pull him away from whatever he's trying to eat and we begin walking again. He looks at me resignedly as if to say, "This poor guy. Doesn't know a good meal when he sees one and he follows me around cleaning up my poop. He pulled me away from perfectly good french fries tonight ... eh, maybe if I just pee on his bathroom rug he'll get the message. He does seem a little vacant though. Always asking me who a good boy is. How should I know?"