Friday, February 27, 2009

Benvenuto alla via del Thompson

My first job out of law school was at a bank in New Jersey. I call it the Dilbert years for me, because I worked for a giant corporation in a cube farm in a glass box building in a suburban office park in New Jersey. Anyway, when I worked there, one of my workmates, Dave, was sort of the class clown. Insult humor was his thing. (Oh and he was also "Dave from Metuchen" on sports radio 660.) Every time I would get a haircut, he would stop me in cubeville and grimmace and say, "you didn't pay for that haircut, did ya, Paul?"

Well, tonight I paid for a haircut and could not be happier about it. For the record, I must admit that I am having hair issues these days, as in "See hair, lack of." (What do you call it when the bald spot on the back of your head meets your receding hairline?) Nevertheless, I needed a haircut and went to my local barbershop in Greenwich Village, complete with old timey barber pole and everything. When I walked into Frank's Barber Shop on Thompson Street tonight, I found three barbers in the shop and one guy laid out flat in a barber chair getting a shave with an old fashioned straight razor. Everyone, except me, when I entered the place was speaking Italian. I sat in the chair as my barber friend carefully did his magic with the electric clippers. I must have been in the chair for 20 minutes. This was no Supercuts zip zip haircut. This place is such a throwback. As always, I got the warm shaving cream/straight razor treatment on the back of my neck and on the sideburns. Halfway through my haircut, I realized that the radio station they were listening to was broadcasting in Italian. (Yet another reason to love New York.) And I'm not the only one who appreciates the place; there were three college boys waiting for haircuts by the time I got up. But perhaps my favorite part of the experience was when I looked up at the price board. It listed prices for haircut, shampoo, beard trim, etc., but at the very bottom of the list was best of all: cleaning and styling of hairpieces - $17. Sounds like a bargain to me.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Uh, Dude ... Awkward

As I've mentioned before, I'm not much of an athlete, although I come from a very athletic family, so I'm always a little ill at ease in jock-filled environments. Despite this, I have been using the gym at my school pretty regularly and usually my visits there are uneventful -- although I often feel like I'm the oldest guy in the room.

Changing in the locker room a few weeks ago, I heard someone next to me say, "Hey, can you do me a favor?" I turned and saw a sweaty athletic looking guy in a tight tank top coming towards me. I couldn't imagine what he wanted. "I just had shoulder surgery, and I'm wondering if you could help me get my shirt off," he said. I helped him lift his shirt over his head, revealing a series of nasty looking Frankensteinish stitches going all the way across his shoulder, an incision at least 5 inches wide. I think it's great that he's right back in the gym, but I highly recommend looser-fitting clothes post-op.

Oh, and the good news is that no one has asked me to help them undress in the locker room since. I'd just assume keep it that way. I'm not even that thrilled about undressing myself in that environment.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

We Have Very Simple Needs

One thing that has taken some getting used to returning to New York is using public transportation. There are very few times in life you're required to get as physically close to a complete stranger as when you're jammed onto a subway car. Today I had the good fortune of being jammed next to a very pretty, tall 20-something young woman who was reading on the train. Now I see this every day, so it's not unusual, but I noticed that she was going to great pains to fold her book over so that the cover would not be visible. She would carefully turn each page, folding it back, keeping the cover and the spine of the book completely hidden. Intrigued, I glanced over to see what the offending title was. Now what is so embarassing about reading He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys? Honestly, I don't think we're that hard to understand. Men have very simple needs, but I'd never criticize somebody for trying to get a little education.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Just Say No to Creepy Cartoon Animals

I met a young recently married couple this weekend who told me that they had disposed of an unwelcome wedding gift by donating it to charity. The offending item was a Hello Kitty toaster. Since I did not know these people well, I could not delve further into the details, but all I could think was, what on earth would possess someone to buy a Hello Kitty toaster for someone for a wedding gift? This must have been a passive aggressive act of some kind. I remember when I was their age I was going to a wedding every other month. Perhaps this was payback for a hideous gift they had given someone. But I mean, they would have had to have given them something awful -- like an incurable disease -- to warrant a Hello Kitty toaster. Maybe the simple answer is that the toaster giver was mentally ill. I often overlook that possibility (I did with my ex-wife for years). We need to band together as a country (or in this case as a world), and stop buying these Hello Kitty products. We would have no illegal drug problem in this country if people stopped creating demand. We can stop this Hello Kitty madness if people will band together and stamp it out.

[Author's note: please do not misconstrue this post to indicate disparagement of toast or toasters. The Author is fully in favor of both.]

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Well, You Never Know

I was sitting waiting for a subway today, and right in front of me was a pay phone -- remarkable in itself -- with a little Tiffany bag sitting on top of it. Now I don't know much about buying nice jewelry for women -- one of the many reasons I am single, but I digress -- but I do know that "the little blue bag" is top notch. It seems to mesmerize some women. As if to prove my point, as I sat there looking at this thing, a young woman went through the turnstile, and I saw her fixate on the little blue bag. She walked over peaked inside, and then looked at me and shrugged as if to say, "well, you never know."

I wonder what the story with this little bag is. Who's walking around New York with the contents, and why did they leave the bag in the 34th Street subway station?

Hey! Aren't You a C-Level Celebrity?

I was walking down 6th Avenue tonight and I saw a guy who bore a striking resemblance to former Fox News flunkie Alan B. Colmes of "Hannity & Colmes." First I thought, gosh, can you imagine going through life being mistaken for Alan Colmes? Then I thought, wait, this is New York City: that could be Alan Colmes. It makes perfect sense that Sean Hannity's former whipping boy might be wandering around Greenwich Village with nothing to do. I think I'm going to write this off as mere unfortunate resemblance though. I don't want my first New York City brush with greatness to be this lame.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Big Man on Campus ... er, Not So Much?

I got an email from a friend of mine this morning who told me her mother overheard my name in Union Square when a student -- presumably from my school -- said that he or she had to go see me. (Yes, students do get "sent" to my office from time to time.) I sort of like the idea of being known around school.

The other night a law student approached me on West 3rd Street and said, "Aren't you the supervisor of the Journals?" This was cool, I said to myself -- the students are flagging me down on the sidewalk to talk to me now. This must be important, I thought:

Student: "You gotta see this guy across the street [in Ben's Pizzeria]."
Paul: "Who?"
Student: "See the guy with the hat with feather and the full length mink coat?"
Paul: "Oh yeah."
Student: "Have you ever seen someone so totally pimped out in your whole life?!"

Well, it was nice she recognized me anyway.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Curse of the Bridge and Tunnel Crowd


Paul (to hottie at bar): "We were talking the other night about people being 'geographically undesirable.' I mean would you [as someone living in Manhattan] date a guy who lived in Brooklyn?"

Bar Hottie: [silent shake of the head 'no' and an increasingly horror-stricken look on her face as the she pondered the possibility. Then regaining her composure, she said,] "Then again, I do work in New Jersey."

Because the People Demanded It

I noticed on the subway today that you can get the Will Ferrell-John C. Reilly clunker Step Brothers on pay per view. The sign said, "Get Step Brothers ON DEMAND." Now call me crazy but is anyone really demanding Step Brothers? I wondered whether that movie actually appeared in theaters or whether it went straight to DVD. What does it cost to order a pay per view movie these days -- $1.99? $4.99? (I don't have cable right now, so I'm a tad clueless.) But wouldn't it be great if the price that you had to pay for a movie depended on how bad it is? I might pay $0.99 for Step Brothers. On the other hand, I would be willing to pay considerably more to see Anchorman or that video of George Bush falling off the segway.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Wiping the Hard Drive

The other day I overheard two undergrads talking in the locker room:

Guy 1: "Yeah, so I broke up with Heather."

Guy 2: [unintelligible comment]

Guy 1: "Whadjoo say?"

Guy 2: "Dude -- it's time for you to wipe your hard drive and move on."

Good advice. Bad metaphor.